Log in

User Profile
Cam's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

[ << Previous 25 ]


  2017.04.12  22.52

As much as I like cuddling, I hate when people breathe on me. My brain sends out a mild alert telling the rest of me "hey, we're detecting elevated levels of CO2 here, you're suffocating a little bit". So instead of turning my head at weird angles to gasp for cleaner air, I think I'm going to start using a snorkel.


  2017.01.16  23.15

Terminal cancer patients can fuck off with their advice. The kids especially. Why the fuck would we listen to you? You haven't even taken algebra.


  2016.12.23  23.41
knife spaghetti

I found out a former coworker died this past week. She was addicted to pain pills. Went to rehab. Started drinking when she got out of rehab. Her liver failed. She was middle aged, but her daughter just had a kid not too long ago. That hurt. The pain she must've gone through to self medicate like that... it had to be devastating.

Just found out another friend died a few years ago. Dunno how I missed that. Or i found out and drank it away. I hadn't seen him in a decade. We weren't close, but we hung out a good bit. I took to reading some posts on his facebook wall to see what happened. It was hard to read. I don't have a high tolerance for other people's emotional pain. There was mention of bi-polar and mental illness. I know that story. I've definitely struggled with anxiety and depression. I have to turn off the world because it gets to be too much. It physically hurts. There's so much pain and suffering in the world and I'm powerless to stop it. Sometimes it's hard for me to ignore those thoughts. It's so dumb- dealing with my brain. I can't just tell it to shut up and think about other things. It does what it wants and drags me along for the ride.

Now that I've slapped an lj bandage on my heart, I'm going to document things. First of all, I'd like to say kudos to me for getting my oven installed solo. i have bruises on my hips and legs from getting that stupid thing in place. It was too big for the space I had carved out. But i didn't know that Until I got it up in the air with the back tip wedged onto the supports. So I sat there holding the hundred pound oven slightly resting it against the wall. I turned to the side to push my shoulders into it- to see if that would help. It didn't. I started slamming my hips into it- that didn't work, but it did leave some nice bruises. I tried kneeing it a few times. Also not a good idea, bruised my knee and it didn't help one bit. So i just sat there thinking "This is how I'm going to die". I was exhausted and still holding up that thing. So i just sat there resting. I could feel my face turning red. i thought "oh god, i better not pass out". So once i caught my breath, i decided i needed to pull the oven out- i'd managed to wedge it in a few inches. put it back on the floor. Pulled out my handy skill saw and sawed the fuck outta some shit. Sanded them shits down. Tried it again, was still to small. 3rd time was a charm. There were some hidden fucking pieces sticking out on the sides which made my measurements off by like a 1/3rd of an inch. Second, got a few hundred pounds of leaves chopped and in a compost buckets. They should be ready for next year. Third, my winter veggies are coming in nicely- next year i want to try more than bok choi, cabbage, and beets. I have an avacado tree growing indoors. But it's not going to be doing much for 5 years or so. Also starting some purple potatoes- saved one, eyes are coming in, i'll plant it and see what it does. Been thinking about growing citrus, Looks like you can just peel the seeds, throw them in a wet napkin then plant them when they sprout. Still don't know what I'm planting for spring or summer. Tomatoes for sure. Kale, collards, mustards, some chilies. peas, squash... maybe some watermelon for the summer. For the past few months i've had this fascination with building things. I'm probably going to cob some buildings- small to start with.


  2016.11.08  12.14

I have very different ideas about what you'd overhear between me and a dominatrix.

"Do you want me to put out my cigarette?"

"yes, mistress"

"Do you want me let you have a turn on the nintendo?"

"yes, mistress"

"Do you want to play with this puppy?"

"yes, mistress"


  2016.11.05  11.46

just got a call from "autism awareness". Thought maybe they were calling with news about me. Perhaps they knew something I didn't.


  2016.10.23  22.29

Native Americans thought the blue jay was a bad omen. It was thought to be a spirit of thievery and deception. Further, it was thought that if you saw a blue jay you should mistrust the next stranger you meet in that area.

With no other context, it sounds ridiculous. Why in the world would they make up shit like that- other than, you know, humans have always made up crazy shit. But, it turns out, my fake research points to some interesting reasons why the blue jay might be considered a bad omen

Curiously, the natural habitat of blue jays are towards the eastern part of the continental U.S. It does stretch to the midwest- but only dips into northern and eastern Texas while sparing the western coastal states as well as Arizona, most of New Mexico, most of Iowa, Colorado, Utah, western Idaho and western Montana. That means, as the Natives were forced towards the west and mid-west- they may have noticed Blue Jays were common in the territory that the colonists were invading.

Maybe they noticed the correlation between Blue Jays and white invaders? Unfortunately, most of the native history was oral and not written down to be saved, so we can only make up bullshit stories like I'm doing now.

I happened to make this shit up after being curious about Native culture- omens, spirits etc. I saw that the blue jay was a bad omen, glanced at natural habit map for blue jays, then made a bullshit connection between the two.

Perhaps there is a bullshit alternative to my bullshit hypothesis. One which involves the behavior of Blue Jays. But if you look at some of the other omens- alligators warn of danger, ants are a sign of strength and telepathy- they seem to just point to understanding natural patterns in a novel- but not alien- way. If you didn't know ants farted to communicate how else would you explain why they seem so coordinated? Telepathy, of course. And if you saw one alligator- wouldn't you take that as a good reason to be cautious of, for example- more alligators? I'd be freaked the fuck out whether I wanted to be or not. In short, it's not difficult to understand why some animals/insects were omens or signs- and i think a practical explanation- such as the one i've bullshitted here- is how to best understand the blue jay as a bad omen and sign of deception and thievery.


  2016.08.25  23.41

Once someone in your area farts, you are allowed to slip your farts into the general public fart cloud. This is only fair and, god willing, the original perpetrator will get a whiff of the combined effort whose stench will no doubt be compounded by your very own methane.


  2016.08.24  08.16

Sand paper
Skill saw

I get that people are excited when they finish a project. I don't get that sense of achievement. I feel silly that the only thing I've done is made a few marks on wood, then cut them. The tools do all the work. I've contributed very little.


  2016.08.20  23.39

I ate too many olives. If I die tonight, it was worth it.


  2016.08.19  18.12

We can spend the evening in.

I'll suck on your knee caps and run my tongue up and down your shins until you've had enough.


  2016.08.15  11.32

Ah, So it's Goethe's poem to which Schubert wrote music.

Looked at some different translations from the German. The shitty translations I was looking at were trying to preserve the rhyming scheme- rather than keep meaning intact. So more direct translations make it clear that the Elf King is trying to tempt the young boy with promises of his daughters, song, dance, festivals, and golden robes meanwhile the boy is sick and dying.

Given that it's contextually written in an unstable Europe, it's probably less existential and more about war. Hallucinations of joy and riches in the midst of unavoidable annihilation.

I knew context would destroy my wonder.


  2016.08.14  00.05

Be vegetarian for 14 years
Didn't miss meat Nintendos
See latest burger technology
New meat systems got me thinkin.


  2016.08.12  09.40

the song "Dream Lover" is about a guy being fed up with masturbating.


  2016.08.08  01.25

So, I was reading more about the elf-king and the elf-king's daughters.

The elf-king's daughters, was a tale or song or something about a man getting married. He's out for a ride and comes across the elf-king's daughters, who are dancing in the woods and invite him to dance with them. When he declines to dance with them they offer increasingly valuable (but still strange items like animal skin mitts and nice leather shoes) gifts- this happens a couple of times. And when he declines with "i'm getting married tomorrow" one hits him hard and he falls sick on his way back to see his mother and bride to be. He arrives at home looking ghastly, tells his mom he's going to head out to the garden and if his bride to be asks his whereabouts tell her he's training his dogs or horses (or some shit like that). Then the next day there are "reports" of three corpses were discovered. That's the whole fucking story. WHAT THE FUCK.

Let's parse this story. Guy's gonna get married. Runs into some chicks in the woods. Catches a disease. He and his family die from the disease. So is this an anti-don't-fuck-the-peasants-in-the- woods-story? What would've happened if he hung out and danced with the elf-king's daughters? Good things, presumably. He would've scored some new kicks, some new gloves. There was probably some gold shit for him too. And that leads us to an important life lesson- fuck the trashy sluts so they don't murder you and your entire family with a communicable disease. That's why this whole Elf-King and Elf-King's daughters have taken my interest. I seriously don't know what the fuck is going on.

In another tale, I think it's a song or maybe poem- A guy is riding home on horseback holding his young son. The son is freaking out, talking about the Elf-King. The guy reassures the kid that it's just his imagination- and this happens a few times with different shit (like fog and limbs from a willow tree). Eventually, the kid screams out that the Elf-King has attacked him, which freaks the guy out. Finally, when the guy gets home he sees that the kid is dead. Again, what the fuck.

What's even the message? That you shouldn't give rational explanations for phenomena as interpreted by a child? That you should take precautions against the supernatural? That sometimes the outlandish explanation- however unlikely- is true? Yeah, ok. But it's not like this was in any way preventable. Was it? You can't just say "oh, well maybe it is the elf-king" and benefit in any way. It's not like the father could just say- "I believe you son" and then not have the Elf-King murder his son. Right? It's fucking crazy. What are we even supposed to do with that moral? Oh yeah, okay, If I don't believe my son- he'll be murdered, and if I do- well he'll be murdered still but at least I'll know all along the way home that he was right and even though my son is being murdered he'll have the comfort of knowing I believe him. But, maybe it's deeper. Children were dying left and right back then and nobody knew why. Maybe this was just capturing the helplessness a parent feels for a dying child. Maybe the point is that we all feel helpless when confronting death. Maybe the point is that being rational doesn't save us.

And thinking back to the elf-king daughters. I do know that women would toss out babies that were ugly, malformed, or colicky- abandon them- claiming they were elves, or dwarves, or trolls or whatever. So maybe "elf" and "elf-king's daughters" are code for retards or disfigured women? Maybe it's rude and hateful for the man not to dance with women because they're retarded, disfigured, or have deep raspy voices. Surely, that's not the story. "be nice to the uggos or they'll infect you with uggo magic". I really have no fucking clue what any of this is about, and it's just been swirling in my brain for months. I guess I could look to see what experts say about them... but that's no fun is it?


  2016.08.05  03.09

Whirling wet towel
what were you cooking?

Was looking at the etymology of "come". Turns out, its first documented use to mean orgasm dates back to before 1650 in song about premature ejaculation.

The elf king has caught my attention.


  2016.07.10  00.41

my ankles are sore most of the time. Adult onset oldness. Probably has something to do with all the jumpy exercises I do.

Getting into theoretical math. math is really cool when you're not wasting hours of your life doing calculations. Proofs are infinitely more interesting.

Beat X-2, finally. Had 90ish percent complete. The ending didn't make much sense, but I was too busy being happy and crying to notice. Dunno if I should replay for the 100%. I didn't do much with the fiend arena or chocobos- both of those seem grindy I think that's where most of the points I missed are, also blitzball they somehow made it shittier than they did in X (though I kinda like blitzball in X) and whatever the fuck is going on in the calm lands with the shitty mini games for tickets. I think I missed some key items- maybe a sphere or two.

Been hitting the coconut milk hard. In smoothies. Tried adding it to blended blueberries and it congealed into what looked like brain matter. Goes well with kale and pinapple and banana and apple. I might use the last can to make some coconut soup. I've been putting chilli oil on everything too. It's my hipper version of sriracha. Has almost no flavor and is way hotter.


  2016.06.19  23.18

Just ate two sleeves of oatmeal cookies.

Must not be getting enough electrolytes in my diet because I piss every 15 minutes.

63360 (inches in a mile)
24 trillion (estimated distance to alpha centauri in miles)

4.3 (standard beer can size in inches)

Alpha Centauri is ~350 quadrillion light beers away.


  2016.06.05  00.41

Watched Bisping win the middleweight title after more than 10 years of fighting. That was neat.

Resisting the urge to re-watch some old Ali matches. Guy was amazing. Heavyweights just don't move as quick as he did in his prime.

Been playing more X-2. Feels like to beat bosses you just change outfits until you get your super outfit- then you win the fight. Imagine you're a video game boss and three ladies walk up to you but before they fight they each change outfits three or four times right in front of you. It's basically enough time for Goku to say kamehameha. Why are the bosses in this game paralyzed by cut scenes of young women changing outfits and striking battle poses? hmmm...

Was afraid X-2 was going to be "fan service- the game". And it is... kind of. No onsen scenes yet, or beach episodes. On a side note, Yuna with guns is silly. Just the whole idea of her having guns is forced. She's a summoner. not a fucking gunslinger!. And she's got the one pant leg- like a blitzballer pls don't do that to Yuna she had her own thing going on, now she's just bleah. I also don't get Paine. Is she Squall plus a vagina? The silent brooding type. And Rikku's dreads are gross. I think that's why I like Rikku in the festival outfit cause I can literally smell the patchouli she reeks of in her thief outfit.

The game just rubs me the wrong way. I say that as I will probably beat it, then play it a few times through to see all the different outcomes of decisions/alliances you make.


  2016.06.01  20.16

I'm a little bit into X-2. Not far, just a couple of quests.

Gotta say, Rikku's Festival outfit looks so fucking awesome. I don't even care which outfits do the most damage. Just give me cool outfits with weird ass abilities.

Otherwise, I don't think I'm enjoying the game that much. The slow motion running in towns gets old fast. The cluttered enemy encounters is an eyesore. It's hard to see what's going on. And you have to sit through a cut scene every time you change outfits. And whatever is going on with the dude and the beasts... I haven't even touched that shit.


  2016.05.24  23.59

Gotta stop waking up and then going back to sleep in the morning.

I spent an entire dream asking "Are we gonna need ice?". For what? I didn't know. I was freaking out because nobody knew whether we needed ice.

Been doing hiit. Felt drunk the day after the first time I tried it. Now I'm just perpetually sore.

Caved in and bought FFX remastered on Steam. It came with X-2. Just seeing X-2 was enough to make me stop keeping up with new Final Fantasy back when it first came out. I don't want to digitally play dress up to change spells you fucks. Could you imagine that shit on the new consoles with motion detection? You'd have to actually change outfits. Then spend all that time having the game telling you you're not wearing the right dress. Then people would walk in on you dressed in your sailor moon school girl outfit waving around a plastic gun or some shit... fuck that.


  2016.05.21  11.29

Sweaty Rice

It'd be cool if you could fasten food under your armpits that cooks as it absorbs your heat and sweat.

Armpits can be the microwaves of the future.


  2016.05.15  23.03

Let me know if you want to use my underwear as a sports bra. I've got some with the shit catchers already burned out in them.


  2016.04.18  16.57

Rampant scorpion smoking is a thing.

I wish there were reggae songs about smoking scorpions.

Maybe in the future scorpion smokers will be the new pot heads. We'll find them annoying. They'll go on and on about how scorpions are natural and have medicinal uses.

We'll call them stingers or scorp heads.

People will grow their own scorpions. There will be new strains. Hybrid strains. We'll learn about how cute scorpions really are if you just get to know them. We'll learn how majestic they are. How the natives had reverence for them. Someone will make a 3 scorpion moon t-shirt. There will be counter culture movies showing "stingers" hiding scorpions from the cops. Your favorite scene will be the one where the young man has to smoke way too many scorpions to keep from getting caught. And he'll make a funny face and say some weird stuff.


  2016.04.11  10.06

Drank 2/3 a bottle of vodka. That might be obvious in my last post. The drunker I got, the more interested in transcribing black vernacular I got. Until finally, I passed out listening to Japanese rock. Also made a giant pot full of vegetables and rice at some point. Finished them for breakfast.

Woke up, my speakers were turned all the way up. My volume controls were maxed.

Wasn't hung over which was a surprise. I think my body is trying to tell me to up my drinking to more than once or twice a year.


  2016.04.08  23.10

beat duh pussy up. beat duh pussy up.

Hey bitch, wait till you see my dick.

I've definitely been in a position where I've been indignant and belligerent. But I don't think I've ever attempted to attract a partner by referring to her as a bitch. That sounds like a challenge.

We all skeet skeet god damn.

I don't know that I want someone who positively responds to "hey bitch let me see you shake your ass".

all you bitches crawl.

You's a fine motha fucka won't you back dat ass up.n

I can fuck you righ cheyeah all nigh cheyeah.

Presumably, I could approach a young lady and inform her I can speak non- SAE. And she will get wet.

Excuse me, young lady I'd like you to know I can speak non-standard english. And I'd like to see you gyrate your pelvis and hips.

Iki isoide shiboritotte
Motsureru ashi dakedo mae yori
Zutto sou, tooku e
Ubaitotte tsukandatte
Kimi ja nai nara
Omi wa nai no sa

Dakara haruka kanata


[ << Previous 25 ]